Tiger Balm Curse and Dragonfly Attacks

There are reports of three metre long dragonflies taking sheep and a dog in Western Australia. Although they are considered unlikely to attack adult humans locals should watch pets and children carefully. There is speculation that these are from the Surreal Institute’s time travel programme, much like the escaped dinosaur earlier this year, but no confirmation. The Mundane Protection Society is asking for donations to compensate the farmer for lost livestock and we can recommend them as an excellent charitable organisation. Donations are tax-deductible in several countries.

In Brazil there is a balm-based emergency after a batch of cursed Tiger Balm was imported from Thailand. For most users the effect is only temporary, as the fur eventually falls out a few days after application of the balm is stopped. Unfortunately one individual essentially committed suicide by liberally covering himself in the camphorous substance. This must have been extremely unpleasant even without a curse. He was found sprouting claws and orange fur, and despite the best efforts of the local wise he eventually fully transformed into a tiger.

Telepaths found no trace of human consciousness inside the animal, and it is being rehomed in a local zoo. If anyone has experience with cursed animal balms then please contact Brazilian authorities, but there is little hope for his return.

The Archivist is being visited by relatives and family from far, far away places, so after another guest report next week the Archive will take a short break until early January.  If you wish to be notified as soon as this occurs please sign up using the form at the top right column of this page.

If you enjoy the story please leave the author a comment, as this makes him very happy. You can also help the Archive celebrate various annual religious and secular rites by voting at Top Web Fiction. We drift on and off the bottom of the Top Web Fiction list, so a vote each week does wonders for our visibility!


World’s Largest Sunflower Cut Down

The world’s largest sunflower tragically had to be cut down today in order to protect its hidden location from cloud giants. The sunflower was about 3km (just under 2 miles) tall and still growing strongly, so had nearly reached the lower areas of cloud giant fortifications. Doctor N-, who has run the gigantic sunflower project since its inception, is reportedly saddened and the end of the plant but upbeat at his growth formula’s massive success.

Providing enough trace minerals for such a massive plant has been a full-time industrial process, employing several hundred people and machinery more commonly associated with mining. Doctor N- has speculated that growing a mere 3000 of these plants would be enough to offset human carbon emissions, although finding the space to do so would be a challenge. Bringing the sunflower down was a difficult process requiring special cutting tools and a well-prepared landing zone. The plant was slowed in its descent by multiple rocket boosters, but the impact was still enough to cause a localised earthquake. Fortunately the flower itself had not yet developed as this would have both made the project exponentially harder and potentially flooded the landing zone with sunflower oil.

Cloud giants are a warlike species which reside in heavily fortified clouds in the mid- to upper-atmosphere. They are mostly occupied warring with each other over the scare atmospheric resources, but will gladly take the opportunity to raid the ground given the right equipment. Their maneating tendencies and the wealth of their rulers was documented in the popular historically-based fairtytale Jack and the beanstalk. Their exact relationship with their terrestrial giant cousins is unknown, but all known terrestrial giants are dormant while cloud giants are all extremely active.

If you enjoy the story please leave the author a comment, as this makes him very happy. You can also help the Archive garden by voting at Top Web Fiction. We drift on and off the bottom of the Top Web Fiction list, so a vote each week does wonders for our visibility!

Black Knight Discovered in Unlikely Place

A new instance of a Black Knight has been found. As ever with Black Knights, a male figure in concealing black armour stands guard over a specific site, keeping the curious out and challenging passers by to leave or fight in an archaic dialect. This Black Knight is unique for being in America, far from the usual chivalric sources of knights. He is hidden away in northern Michigan, where he claims to be guarding a site of religious pilgrimage.

Continue reading

A Heroic Librarian

A librarian in Manilla discovered and rescued a two dimensional civilisation this morning. K- is to be congratulated for quick thinking and strong Euclidian intuition. The flatland-style entities were living on a surface comprised of all the pages in a reproduction of Newton’s Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica, book three. They had structured their world around the lettering so that each paragraph was a continent, and apparently did not notice page edges, with their world running over onto the next page with no discernible break.

Continue reading

Worries and Reassurances

I recently received an email from a reader who is concerned about the Watchers In The Trees staring in his windows all night. It was a throwaway comment on my part – that this was one of the prices of knowledge – so I’m sorry for anyone who had not previously put two and two together and realised that it equals being stared at constantly after dark by shadowy arboreal figures. Really though there is nothing to worry about. Humans are never truly alone. Between the trillions of gut bacteria, the arthropods that live in your eyelashes and sebaceous glands, various parasites and the ghosts of your ancestors looking over your shoulder loneliness is an illusion. So what’s one more creature in your periphery?

Continue reading

The Silent Children

An old lady in Melbourne has been forced to evacuate her home after signs of the Silent Children were found. She was saved only by luck, after she mentioned a strange footprint she found to a neighbour who happens to be part of the community. Fortunately this neighbour acted quickly and the lady is alive and well, although deeply saddened by the loss of her home and possessions.

Continue reading