Signherds Required

Over the weekend we attempted to test the “close dimension missing Archivist” hypothesis. We brought in 4th dimensional viewing devices first to check the obvious directions. Disturbingly we all had shadows when looking kata-wise from our plane of existence. Turning the devices to the ana side revealed that someone had left a light source ana-neath the Archivist’s room. This explains the somewhat unusual lighting found in the Archivist’s office, but did not help us at all. There was no shadow for the Archivist.

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The Chord of Angels

A group of music theologists discovered the Chord of Angels today. The chord (previously thought to be completely mythological) was believed to bring peace to all who heard it, stop wars, cure depression and polish silver. Unfortunately this is not the case, instead it is literally a chord of angels and summons an angelic host to that location.

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A Lonely Dryad

A lonely dryad is looking for a romantic partner for long walks in the woods. The archive is not normally a para-mundane dating service (that service is already covered by Mrs Shelton’s Special Introductions), but in this case the dryad is the spirit of a certain Northern woodlands of ecological importance, so we were asked to intervene in order to protect the balance of nature there.

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North American Psychometry in Trouble

The North American Psychometry Research Institute may be forced to close this year after nearly 300 years of operation. They lost the last of their mundane funding sources some time ago and have been subsisting on dwindling income sources ever since. The process may have been inevitable after mainstream American parapsychology started getting too close to the truth around the 1950s and had to be diverted onto less dangerous paths with a mixture of infiltration, criticism and occasional blackmail. As a result the true strength of parapsychic research has moved to Europe, where it proved easier to control.

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Bromeliad Negotiator

Following up from our last report it seems that the four letter name on the New Zealand arcade game of destiny reads “BEng”, with a high score of 31,981,112. Bill English is of course the name of the new Prime Minister of New Zealand, leading some to suspect supernatural shenanigans. However the game only referred to a single island and said nothing about the democratic process, leaving local researchers in a state of confusion. The rest of the high-score table is apparently still on the default high score of 30,000,000.

In the Archive we have finally managed to open negotiations with the tiny lizard people. We’re not too worried about the state of the computers they have taken up residence in, as they are easy to replace and we have backups of everything. We are worried, however, about their health if they mine from the wrong parts of our old machines, so we’ve been attempting to introduce them to health and safety ideals, as well as computer manufacturing information. So far there has been little success, they particularly enjoy searching out the tiny amounts of more precious metals involved in computer manufacture. Our best negotiator has been our receptionist, the sentient bromeliad who took the name Daisy.

The bag which they came from has been removed to another facility, as the diminutive lizard person population started a mass migration into the Archive. We don’t know what their population could have been, but given they lived in a BOTITIIOTO bag it could potentially be limitless.

If you enjoy the story please leave the author a comment, as this makes him very happy. You can also help the Archive negotiate with tiny sentient beings by voting at Top Web Fiction. We drift on and off the bottom of the Top Web Fiction list, so a vote each week does wonders for our visibility!


A nappy bag was discovered to have BOTITIIOTO Syndrome (Bigger On The Inside Than It Is On The Outside) after a mother exclaimed about how useful it was to be able to carry everything she needed so easily. The nappy bag has been taken away for further study, leaving the mother devastated, although she was given a non-spatially-variant replacement. Also returned to her from the bag were seventeen changes of clothes (sized from newborn to one year), eight nappies, fourty seven dirty nappies in plastic bags, twelve packs of wipes, three change mats, two makeup bags, a spare set of house keys, two mobile phone chargers, an ipad, six novels, two litres of spare change, three empty water bottles and uncounted food wrappers.

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Problems With Divinely Ordained Governance

A note on the problems with divinely ordained governance.

As a great philosopher of our times once said “Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government.”

Firstly we should consider why this divine being feels the need to meddle in mortal affairs. It is rarely out of a sense of civic duty, or urge to protect the helpless. Instead it tends towards a selfish desire to improve their own standing in whatever game of divine politics they may be playing.

Secondly, if we look at the feudal systems employed by said kingmaking strumpet you will note that they tend towards the despotic. Rather than placing importance on fairness, on social good or individual liberty, there is inevitably a tiny top stratum of society standing upon the back of a mass of subjects. Indeed, the only known exception to this is the nymph Escalanitia, who once brought down a kingdom by proclaiming that whoever bore the red reed would make the laws, and then handed out in excess of two thousand red reeds to passers-by.

Finally, what of the rulers chosen by this method? Do they at least have some divine virtues or hidden inner strength that only a miraculous being could see? Does becoming totalitarian ruler reveal depths of humble nature, patience and mercy? In short, no. They tend to lack either the ruthless organisational ability or people-pleasing political nous that rulers who come by their position legitimately can claim. Instead, it turns out that being suddenly handed almost limitless power turns the average person into a complete nightmare, prone to petty vindictiveness and grudge settling.

So stay away from New Zealand where an arcade game bearing the inscription “Whosoever recordeth the high score shall become rightful King of the South Island.” Was found this morning. Completely ignoring traditional owners, modern grammar, the country’s already democratically elected government, the possibility that the high-scorer might be a Queen and all sensible ways of choosing who to follow. Good job.

If you enjoy the story please leave the author a comment, as this makes him very happy. You can also help the Archive prevent a coup just because some idiot pulled cutlery out of a rock by voting at Top Web Fiction. We drift on and off the bottom of the Top Web Fiction list, so a vote each week does wonders for our visibility!

Train-based Hypocrisy

So we went to see the train. I know that I was quite clear that everyone should stay away from the train in my last entry, but it seems that the message did not get out as more and more people were heading there. So a group of us from the Archive headed out to the sticks of Australia, with various amulets, blessings, equipment and most importantly an analytical and critical mindset. We didn’t know exactly what we would find, but prepared for most eventualities.

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A Mistake Not Made

Today, my dear subhistorians, I nearly made a terrible mistake.

Yesterday several of our servers started chanting and spraying out white ectoplasm. I knew it was time to put a stop to this meddling with the Archive. I called in a few favours, borrowed a nuclear power station overnight and using rituals from the true Egyptian Book of the Dead with Sumerian numerology, travelled to the unnamed godling’s domain.

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The Information Cult Spreads

The cult of the information god that threatened the archive has been found spreading worldwide, with large cells discovered in India, Japan, Belarus and Ireland. It has been hypothesised that Silicon Valley is the centre of this religion, but not proven.

These “data-gnostics” take as a fundamental principle that all information should be available to anyone, and seek to reveal private information to the world at large. The basic requirement for entry into the cult seems to be that you release all of your personal information. They seem a little hypocritical in that I’ve not seen any of their bank account numbers and passwords, but they do have completely unrestricted privacy settings – and some amount of oversharing – on their social media accounts.

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