Snake in Human Clothing

We’ve spent a lot of time this week searching for the Archivist. So far our only lead is that the timing of his disappearance coincided very closely with a beneath-the-books experiment at a mass collider. We’re going to have to talk to the physicists and find out exactly what they were accelerating. There have been some reports that other beings not native to our dimension were affected by this as well, so please pass on the information if you know one or are one, ok? Not that I’m saying the Archivist isn’t native here or anything.

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Archivist Missing

An alert to the whole Community: The Archivist is missing. Please contact us if you have any information about his whereabouts.

He was last seen this morning, working on an article for this website. Rachel T-, one of our volunteers, saw a bright blaze of orange light from his domain – he claims it is an office, but we all know a domain when we see one – and smartly rang the unidentified incident buzzer rather than rush into whatever phenomenon the Archivist encountered. By the time the response team was present the glow had gone, and so had the Archivist. We’re not ruling out the idea that he’s just popped over a dimension or two for some fact finding or urgent world-saving quest, but he usually leaves a note.

His unfinished article is below so… be careful in Brazil I guess?

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Tiger Balm Curse and Dragonfly Attacks

There are reports of three metre long dragonflies taking sheep and a dog in Western Australia. Although they are considered unlikely to attack adult humans locals should watch pets and children carefully. There is speculation that these are from the Surreal Institute’s time travel programme, much like the escaped dinosaur earlier this year, but no confirmation. The Mundane Protection Society is asking for donations to compensate the farmer for lost livestock and we can recommend them as an excellent charitable organisation. Donations are tax-deductible in several countries.

In Brazil there is a balm-based emergency after a batch of cursed Tiger Balm was imported from Thailand. For most users the effect is only temporary, as the fur eventually falls out a few days after application of the balm is stopped. Unfortunately one individual essentially committed suicide by liberally covering himself in the camphorous substance. This must have been extremely unpleasant even without a curse. He was found sprouting claws and orange fur, and despite the best efforts of the local wise he eventually fully transformed into a tiger.

Telepaths found no trace of human consciousness inside the animal, and it is being rehomed in a local zoo. If anyone has experience with cursed animal balms then please contact Brazilian authorities, but there is little hope for his return.

The Archivist is being visited by relatives and family from far, far away places, so after another guest report next week the Archive will take a short break until early January.  If you wish to be notified as soon as this occurs please sign up using the form at the top right column of this page.

If you enjoy the story please leave the author a comment, as this makes him very happy. You can also help the Archive celebrate various annual religious and secular rites by voting at Top Web Fiction. We drift on and off the bottom of the Top Web Fiction list, so a vote each week does wonders for our visibility!

S.O.C. (Guest Post)

Archivist’s Note: This report was sent to us from a researcher in the US branch of the Surreal Institute. Although we are still withholding cooperation from the institute as a whole we can publish this anonymous missive. While negotiations with the tiny lizard people continue we will publish a selection of the reports which we are sent, rather than our own take on the information we receive. Report follows.

A temporal discrepancy has manifested in the middle of Rosecrans Avenue, in the heart of Compton, California. A distortion in space, hazy, shaped into a ring. It has since been confirmed to be a portal, capable of sending whatever goes through the space defined within the ring back to an indeterminate period in time.

Very little is known about the portal itself, colloquially referred to as the ‘S.O.C.’ Attempts to approach it, despite its very public location, the parking lot of a fast food institution known as Fatburger, have been met with extreme hostility. The Pirus and Compton Crips have both claimed the location as their own territory since the portal’s discovery, and the war over the portal has yet to cease to this day. Third parties, especially police officers and those associated with the LAPD, have had no success with their attempts to learn more about the portal. That, of course, includes those within our organization, the Surreal Institute.

For both gangs, it seems the only credentials required to approach the portal is to either be a ‘real nigga’ or to not be a ‘fake bitch.’

However, talking with locals who are affiliated with members of both gangs have yielded some information, albeit limited. No one who has been through the portal themselves were available for comment.

Two individuals have been identified as those who have intimate knowledge of the portal and its inner workings, to the point of utilizing it for their own personal gain. ‘Big Buddy’ of the Pirus, and ‘Peach’ of the Compton Crips, are the only ones who have been through the portal more than ten times, and are still in healthy condition. Among the different gangs, it has become ill-advised for anyone other than the aforementioned individuals to use the portal, as over time, more than half of those who go through do not make themselves known. It is believed that they might have been taken back too far, to a time period in which they would already be dead in the present. Why Big Buddy and Peach have not suffered this fate is still not known, and any attempt to reach them for further information have been met with extreme hostility.

If there is anyone who has survived a trip through the portal, and subsequently through time itself, please do not be afraid to contact us about your findings, and any information about the nature of the portal.

This was a guest post from Nippoten, author of Entirely Presenting You. Check out their site for more!

If you enjoy the story please leave the author a comment, as this makes him very happy. You can also help the Archive find more helpful reports from concerned researchers by voting at Top Web Fiction. We drift on and off the bottom of the Top Web Fiction list, so a vote each week does wonders for our visibility!

Cursed Waterfall Workaround

Environmental officers had to do some emergency landscaping work in Senegal recently, in order to reroute a stream back onto its original course. A passing holy man cursed a waterfall to flow backwards in revenge for splashing his favourite religious text. He obviously didn’t stop to consider the environmental impact of reversing a water feature, and he clearly needs to spend some of his meditating time considering why he is trying to walk and read at the same time.

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A Lethal Sculpture Garden

A number of tourists of the super-mundane have already been to the area of the horrendous train structure. How they find these sites so quickly is almost as far beyond me as why they would want to visit the meat-covered crater in the first place, but I suppose they have their ways. We tried to keep a lid on this behaviour by keeping the exact location a secret, but that clearly hasn’t worked.

Super-mundane tourism is incredibly dangerous, but has a certain cachet in some groups and societies. For example, we don’t understand yet why or how people were trapped into thinking they were in a train, nor whether we actually destroyed the mechanism or if it can rebuild, so those visiting are taking their limbs and lives into their own hands. And yet they have their uses. A number of other bizarre structures have been spotted in the surrounding area and can now, hopefully, be studied rather than detonated.

One group of tourists from France, for example, report a gigantic red kangaroo head emerging straight from the ground and staring towards the sky. It called to them in a booming voice, in a language that they didn’t recognise, and they felt a powerful urge to approach. Fortunately they left it well alone.

Another group encountered a pure white cherry tree, placed incongruously in the middle of the Australian native forest. The bark, leaves and fruit were all pristine white. This group was not so clever and ate some of the fruit, they are now also pristine white, from the tips of their hair to the clothes they were wearing. They are currently seeking treatment.

The biological nature of each of these phenomena suggests that they are linked. The cherry tree suggests that they are not native to the area, but have been placed there, perhaps as some kind of lethal sculpture garden. Sadly any creators did not leave notes on their art.

If you enjoy the story please leave the author a comment, as this makes him very happy. You can also help the Archive visit mundane sculpture gardens to renew their faith in humanity by voting at Top Web Fiction.