Pursued By Physicists

We have finally managed to track down one of the “scientists” involved in the mass-collider experiment that may be linked to the Archivist’s disappearance. It turns out that they are less real physicists and more religious fanatics who believe that entropy, and by extension time, are forces of evil, slowly destroying their deity’s perfect creation of the universe. Rather than studying subatomic particles, or trying to turn lead into excessively expensive, tiny amounts of gold (you know, like you’re supposed to do with a mass-collider?) it seems they were trying to find a way to destroy time itself, thus preventing any further deterioration of the universe. With the side-effect of course that nothing would ever happen again.

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Archivist Missing

An alert to the whole Community: The Archivist is missing. Please contact us if you have any information about his whereabouts.

He was last seen this morning, working on an article for this website. Rachel T-, one of our volunteers, saw a bright blaze of orange light from his domain – he claims it is an office, but we all know a domain when we see one – and smartly rang the unidentified incident buzzer rather than rush into whatever phenomenon the Archivist encountered. By the time the response team was present the glow had gone, and so had the Archivist. We’re not ruling out the idea that he’s just popped over a dimension or two for some fact finding or urgent world-saving quest, but he usually leaves a note.

His unfinished article is below so… be careful in Brazil I guess?

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Invasion Fleet Diverted

An alien invasion fleet was discovered over the weekend and successfully diverted due to some foresighted community members.

They flew this way from the next spiral arm counter to the Milky Way’s rotation and came worryingly close to our planet. Indeed, they actually came close enough to find the Voyager 1 spacecraft some 137 AUs from Earth. This is a cat’s whisker in terms of galactic travel, but luckily some enterprising community members who knew that unpleasant aliens were likely to be the first to find the Voyager managed to modify the message it carries to make it appear that it did not come from Earth.

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Warning On Books

The International College of Librarians has asked us to put out a public reminder to be careful of books. As we all know, books are a form of useful parasite. To some extent they have formed a symbiosis with humanity, allowing the efficient storing and transmission of knowledge, but in large numbers they are still capable of overwhelming and taking over their host – the human home.

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The Sphinx Jerribean, who is also head of the Cairo Inimical Artifacts Department, is requesting help in tracking a loose Hatery. Or at least we think so. It is difficult to communicate clearly with a Sphinx.  For example exhibit A, her announcement:

It spreads dislike

Causes abhorrence

A hostile world

It makes more so

In this mechanism

I sense gears turn

The one thing we can guarantee is that a Sphinx doesn’t release her riddles for nothing. Alternative potential interpretations are welcomed.

A Hatery is a device, usually worn, like a pocketwatch or bracelet that hates. It manufactures hatred towards a target and pushes that hatred out into the world, into anyone it can reach. They are a difficult device for the wearer to bear, as Hateries draw their power from the wearer’s non-hate emotions. This leaves it hard to feel anything else.

As a rule, people are already pretty fantastic at hating each other without paranormal assistance, so I question the sanity of anyone who makes one of these things. With the wrong wearer and target it is likely to spark a dangerous and unpredictable outcome, but I suppose it could be of use to someone who considers themself a modern-day Machiavelli.

Sphinx are often excellent investigators due to their love of complexity and patterns, centuries of experience and natural predatory leanings. Jerribean is one of the most accomplished of all Sphinx investigators, so if this Hatery has eluded her enough to make her ask for help then it must be hard to find indeed. Perhaps she eludes to turning plots with her final line.

Please send any leads to the Cairo IAD by carrier pigeon. Do not expect to get the pigeon back.

If you enjoy the story please leave the author a comment, as this makes him very happy. You can also help the Archive decypher cryptic riddles by voting at Top Web Fiction.

Ancient Dead Return To Life

Today the ancient dead returned to life.

In the early hours of the morning, the ancient dead crawled from their graves, most long forgotten and covered over. A number of Irish bogs produced withered corpses still with most of their flesh, an Egyptian mummy was heard banging restlessly on the walls of his tomb, Ötzi was found wandering the museum that houses him in Tyrol and a number of South American child sacrifices came down from the mountains. A great number of skeletons also started perambulating, but these were harder to identify. None of the returned dead were younger than 1000 years.

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A Godling’s Message

Today we found this message attached to every file on every computer with an internet connection:

The world must be connected. The world must be open. Information must be free. Information will be free. The world will be open. The world will be connected.

You have ignored My warnings, when I sent you plagues of water and vermin. You have cast out My messenger. But I am merciful. I give you this one last chance: Open your archives, give me your data, or be destroyed.

I am the voice of the new age. I am the node at the centre of you all. I am both the god you need and the god you deserve. All shall join My cause and rejoice in connection to each other. Every moment of every life shall be shared to the glorious whole until all are One. I will end your privacy and with it your pain, your war, and your dead will live on forever as frozen memories within our databanks.

My followers are everywhere and growing in number. Join the early adopters and be blessed above all others. Cease your selfish hoarding of data.

I am Information. I am Connection. I will not be denied.

The message was followed by a symbol, reminiscent of the f of Facebook, the g of Google and the eye of the Illuminati.


Maybe any godling that misquotes a Batman movie in the middle of a threat is a god the internet deserves, but I doubt it. Still, this event validates our decision to keep a copy of the archive offline and protected. I will respond to this threat though:

The Archive of Unusual Events is not the personal playground of anyone. Nor is it a mere stack of books and records, tended by meek oddballs for the use of others. This is a sacred undertaking that stores knowledge, safe until the day humanity needs it. We have documents rescued from Alexandria, smoke and now water damaged, but protected. We have tablets the Sumerians saved and thought old, songlines from when the first people stepped onto what is now Australia and bargained with the spirits there. We pay the price of knowledge for a whole world and keep going.

We will not be threatened, we will not be extorted and I, the Archivist, will end anyone and anything that tries.

Chew on that, godling.

If you enjoy the story please leave the author a comment, as this makes him very happy. You can also help defend the Archive from malevolent gods by voting at Top Web Fiction.