We have finally managed to track down one of the “scientists” involved in the mass-collider experiment that may be linked to the Archivist’s disappearance. It turns out that they are less real physicists and more religious fanatics who believe that entropy, and by extension time, are forces of evil, slowly destroying their deity’s perfect creation of the universe. Rather than studying subatomic particles, or trying to turn lead into excessively expensive, tiny amounts of gold (you know, like you’re supposed to do with a mass-collider?) it seems they were trying to find a way to destroy time itself, thus preventing any further deterioration of the universe. With the side-effect of course that nothing would ever happen again.
An alien invasion fleet was discovered over the weekend and successfully diverted due to some foresighted community members.
They flew this way from the next spiral arm counter to the Milky Way’s rotation and came worryingly close to our planet. Indeed, they actually came close enough to find the Voyager 1 spacecraft some 137 AUs from Earth. This is a cat’s whisker in terms of galactic travel, but luckily some enterprising community members who knew that unpleasant aliens were likely to be the first to find the Voyager managed to modify the message it carries to make it appear that it did not come from Earth.
The storyboar has been seen near Huntsville in Ontario, Canada. Known by many names in many places, the storyboar is one of the most popular and least dangerous paranormal animals. No doubt Huntsville will soon be flooded with free speech-seeking information fans.
This is an emergency. I am delaying my own escape to write this. If you can read this, if you can still read, get out.