Latvian/Estonian Wonka

A new chocolate shop near Valga/Valka on the Latvian/Estonian border is suspected of being a front for child-snatching gnomes, or as these businesses are sometimes colloquially known, a Wonka.

Wonkas are so called because of the resemblance to the famous Roald Dahl story, which may have been influenced by Dahl’s interaction with, and possible narrow escape from, a Wonka shop during his childhood. Wonkas are essentially a honeypot trap set up by groups of gnomes to lure and capture children, who are then presumably whisked away by the gnomes for their own nefarious purposes, or occasionally turned into sweet delicacies and eaten. They are remarkable for having a human patsy as the front man, who is led to believe by the gnomes that he (or she) is a genius, capable of designing and making wonderful chocolates, children’s toys, or whatever business the gnomes have chosen to use to attract children. In reality the gnomes do all the work, while constantly feeding their patsy’s ego until the business “owner” isolates themselves completely from the surrounding community.

It is actually less usual for the Wonka to be a chocolate shop these days, as children are able to get cheap sweets from any number of sources. Besides, most have been warned by Roald Dahl about sticking your head into chocolate rivers and so on. Fabulous jungle-gyms (with real jungle for children to get lost in) and magical high-wire courses may be preferred by the gnomes instead.

It is difficult for adults to gain access to these businesses and find the paranormal elements that give away the gnomes. This is largely what makes Wonkas so dangerous, as they will often not be discovered until a child has already been taken. Parents should watch children in the Valga/Valka area very carefully for the next few weeks until the gnomes are exposed or the shop is shown to be safe.

On a lighter note there is currently a hidden choir singing silently in Vienna. No one can see or hear them, but everyone is very certain that they can hear – or rather can’t hear – the singing choir. Various people have been checking rooftops, looking down sewers and peeking into various choir-sized hiding places in search of the silent choir, but nothing has been found yet. One searcher became extremely excited for a few minutes on Friday, but it turned out only to be a group of church boys.


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