Warning On Books

The International College of Librarians has asked us to put out a public reminder to be careful of books. As we all know, books are a form of useful parasite. To some extent they have formed a symbiosis with humanity, allowing the efficient storing and transmission of knowledge, but in large numbers they are still capable of overwhelming and taking over their host – the human home.

Books induce their host to want more books. This can be seen in action when otherwise rational people will constantly buy more books despite not having finished reading the ones they already possess. Libraries have systems in place to prevent the staff and buildings from being overwhelmed, but they still maintain a constant influx of new titles.

Amateurs and collectors must remember to be careful and set up their safeguards to prevent the books from influencing them unduly. These safeguards include lending out your books to friends (although please remember that they may set up a new nest at your friend’s house and not return), having books that contain contrary content and separating fiction and non-fiction. These last two measures will allow you to set up divisions in your shelf-stock and play the factions off against each other, leaving them with less time and energy to control your actions. For more information contact your local librarians who can supply you with an information sheet on safe library management.

If left unchecked books can reproduce to terrifying populations, such that every surface in a house is covered in bound paper, and every spare piece of time and currency is consumed in the search for more books. If this is you it is already too late, and you will certainly not be reading this post, as there will be books in the way of your computer screen, as well as piled on the keyboard, underneath your desk and probably between the plug and socket. The only hope in this case is for a trained team of library staff or auctioneers to remove the infection, and library SWAT teams are few and far between.

So please remember: keep your bookshelves under control and contact your local librarians for help before it becomes a problem.


If you enjoy the story please leave the author a comment, as this makes him very happy. You can also help the Archive set traps for predatory volumes by voting at Top Web Fiction. We drift on and off the bottom of the Top Web Fiction list, so a vote each week does wonders for our visibility!

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2 thoughts on “Warning On Books

  1. I find this especially terrefying…
    Have you considered e-books? they have already made the transition to digital, awaiting digital minds; a vastly superior survivor, like the roach.
    Are there cyber librarian specialists?

    Like

    • Yes, ebooks are a new form of parasite, although more hard drive space is infinitely easier to get than more shelf space. In fact the internet contains a whole range of e-parasites, including memes, clickbait news sites (I shudder at the thought) and cat pictures. Worse, these parasites interbreed constantly, producing new and even more annoying strains.

      Like

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